Letters to Lillie #1

To my beautiful baby girl,

I thought I would do this section on my blog for a couple of reasons really. Firstly sometimes I feel like I love you so much I might smother you if I tried to explain how full you have made my heart. Secondly, because I won’t always be here, so I wanted you to always have this as a make do. 💙

Let’s go back… let’s go waaaay, waaaay back. 2014 ( which is going to feel ancient for you) was the year I got the news. It was the middle of April and the doctors said “I’m so sorry Miss Grand, but without help you will never conceive a baby naturally”

Right there in that room, at 28 years old I felt like a failure. See, in my head the basic function of a woman it’s yup procreate… to be a mummy and here i was being told I couldn’t. In hindsight it was a good thing, as I was in toxic relationship but at the time my world feel down around me. I remember being in the bath at your Nanna Paulines house and I prayed to God with tears in my eyes – Please, Please give me a chance to be a Mummy. Please let me prove I am worthy… I begged for a miracle and just 2 months later I met your daddy.

Finding out about you was a shock? It was New Years eve 2015, we was going to a party had gone to buy our drinks for the night. Earlier in the day I had bought a pregnancy… like so many times before, you see sometimes just seeing the negative line would make mummy’s body work, as it’s a little broken with PCOS, but I’ll explain that another day.

Anyway, we was in Tesco, your dad had his vodka in the basket and I had some Rum, and all of a sudden I needed a pee. Remembering in the cubicle I had my test I did it there and then… and almost immediately – 2 lines showed up. 2 lines!! You was there ❤ Then the panic set in. See me and your Dad had only been together 7 months. This was all going so fast! Would I be forced to do this alone?

Sheepishly I left the toilet and went to your dad. My first words about it was “I’m going to have to put that rum back” His face went from confusion to the biggest smile I have ever seen on his face. I knew then it was okay. It was all going to be okay.